by John Young
Warning: There is language in this article that is unsuitable for readers under 18.
This is a review of Make her Chase You, by Tynan.
Given the notorious hedonism of the pickup artist lifestyle, on the surface, it would seem incongruous for a book written by an infamous pickup artist to be reviewed by an organization dedicated to supporting and preserving the two-parent European-American family. But within a broader sociological context, it makes good sense.
We are not living in 1850 or 1950. Rather, we are living in what could best be described as a sociological disaster. Our marriage rates are the lowest they have ever been. Our birth rates are the lowest they have ever been and have been below replacement level for decades. Of the marriages that are formed, nearly half end in divorce. 29% of European-American children are born to unwed mothers, and by the time European-American children have attained adulthood, 63% of them either lack a full-time father or essentially have none.
We no longer live in a culture in which sex is reserved for marriage. Rather, we live in a culture of transitory hookup sex, friends with benefits, so-called f*ck buddies and people living together in hopes of commitments that never come. We live in a world where an online dating site openly advertises for married people to have affairs — with other married people. We live in a world that encourages and amplifies our worst traits while justifying them. There is a proliferation of sites and organizations fostering and promoting our daughters in becoming sugar babies to lechers and our sons in wasting their time and money on gold diggers. Gold digging is openly justified and encouraged.
The true costs of promiscuity are concealed. For example, a young man who has had oral sex with six women is 800% more likely to develop cancer of the mouth, tongue or throat — and that is taking into account any risks associated with smoking. And the odds of a woman filing for a divorce are directly proportional to the number of sex partners she had before marriage. By the time most people who bother marrying marry, they are dragging around substantial emotional baggage from absent fathers, bonded but failed relationships and increased risks of a host of diseases and divorce.
The fact that so many of our children are being born out of transitory sex and broken commitments puts the continuity of our people at risk in unexpected ways, including changing the predominance of people possessing narcissistic, psychopathic and Machiavellian traits in our gene pool, thereby making these issues harder to solve with each passing generation. This is because women tend to choose different sorts of men for the short-term liaisons that give rise to an increasing number of our children than they choose for marriage.
For marriage, women usually want a man who is likely to remain faithful, and overall they choose well in that regard as somewhere between 75% and 80% of married men never cheat, and the same statistic applies to women.
The problem is that the ideal man to marry and the man that a woman wants for a short-term engagement are attractive in different ways and for different reasons. The man a girl marries is stable and unlikely to cheat. But the men she most likely dates through college and until she decides to settle down into marriage are the exact opposite. That is, her predominant sex partners are more likely to be men who are attractive to other women, will avoid commitment, and who manifest the “dark-triad” traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy.
All of this is just a complicated way of saying that, in general (because there are obviously exceptions), in a world where promiscuity is actively encouraged and justified, women are likely to date assholes but marry nice guys. But with so many of our children being born from dating rather than marital relationships and so many of our marriages really being formalized serial-monogamy as though they were just a continuation of dating, assholes are fathering far more of our children than in times past. Unfortunately assholishness is not merely a “nurture” trait: it has substantial heritable components. So with each generation we are now creating increasing proportions of children of both sexes who will grow up to be a bad marriage partner due to their self-absorption. Not only is this showing up in onset of puberty, but the proportion of both men and women in their twenties who test positive for Narcissistic Personality Disorder has reached about 20% at this point.
So when I say we are facing a sociological and genetic disaster, I’m not exaggerating.
What does this have to do with a book by an infamous pickup artist? Everything.
As a Tyler states in Fight Club, “We are a generation of men raised by women.” Depending on how it is measured, anywhere from 30% to 50% of our young men do not have stable, committed male role models. And, as Christina Hoff Summers, Kathleen Parker, Camille Paglia and Peg Tyre have documented exhaustively, distinctly biologically male or sociologically masculine behavior in boys (such as risk-taking and assertiveness) is systematically discouraged and even punished throughout school, starting as young as kindergarten.
By the time boys reach fourth grade, many of them have been beaten down pretty hard and never recover. This has not only resulted in substantial educational disparities that make it hard for women to even find men who are as educated as they would like, but it also creates men who have been specifically conditioned NOT to act in the ways that women find appealing. The overwhelming dominance of women as authority figures throughout most boys’ lives — both from unmarried mothers and in education — creates an environment where boys seek to please women without being pleasing to them, because that is all they know. Especially in educational environments, our young men are being systematically taught to compromise anything and everything about themselves to female authority figures, to keep their mouths shut when they disagree, and to never speak up when something bothers them. (These conditioned behaviors come back to haunt them later when they marry, but that’s an article for another day.)
Thus, men who are genetically predisposed to psychopathy and similar traits are more likely than those predisposed to commitment to make it through being raised without fathers and beaten down by our educational system to emerge with traits such as self confidence that women find attractive. The deck is stacked in such a way that many commitment minded men might as well not exist on the playing field until the women get tired of the assholes.
The trouble is, by the time women get around to paying attention to the commitment minded men, not only are the women older and less attractive, those commitment minded men have become jaded as a result of their observations and experiences. Though these men may be genetically predisposed to commitment, their frontal cortex has processed enough information to make the men distrustful and skittish. Because of this (along with other reasons not germane here), for the first time in generations, the number of men interested in marriage is substantially less than the number of women.
Information from pickup artists can help the young men who are the best marriage material — and who most need the skills that are taught — compete in the reproductive marketplace earlier and have more success before they become skittish and jaded. It would likely increase our rates of marriage overall, increase our birthrate, and increase the proportion of our children fathered by stable men. This is why a book by a pickup artist can be useful for our mission.
In general, the field of pickup artistry can be antithetical to our goals for many reasons. Most particularly, it encourages a consumerist mindset toward women that justifies manipulating them as a matter of “the ends justify the means.” In other words, it is Machiavellian in a way that doesn’t take into account the potential emotional damage that can be done to women who absolutely do not deserve such treatment.
Pickup artistry is also aimed toward a heavily promiscuous lifestyle, without taking into account the hidden costs of promiscuity. In addition, because it has no long-term goal beyond the pleasure of the moment, it does not give men the motivation they need to strive and succeed. So one must always look at this sort of material with an eye toward: “is it good for European-Americans?”
The author, Tynan, is a famous pickup artist(a/k/a PUA) who was featured on a TV show documenting the PUA lifestyle. Unlike some other pickup artists who rely on things like surreptitious hypnosis via neuro-linguistic programming and lies, Tynan emphasizes a substantially (though not completely) authentic approach that focuses on self-improvement augmented with some basic knowledge young men can use. Self improvement, incidentally, is encoded in the European Americans United Statement of Ethics.
The good parts of this book convey three primary ideas: how to be the best that you can be, how to treat yourself with respect, and how to gain the interest from women that you merit.
Though a lot of pickup artistry is portrayed as playing games, it is primarily about treating yourself as though you are a worthwhile man whose company a woman should appreciate. In practice, this means refusing to play the multitude of games that many women consciously or reflexively play.
Has a woman ever give you her number only for you to discover it was incorrect? It happens all the time. Or what if she gave you the right number, you call her a couple of days later, but she never picks up the phone and doesn’t return your call? This is very common and a man who is actively trying to find a girlfriend will run up against it repeatedly. It also includes two traps. The first is that many women judge their own value in terms of not just the quality of the men they accept, but also the quality of the men they reject. Calling the woman and giving her the opportunity to reject simply by being “busy” puts her in a position where she can boost her perception of her own value without effort.
The second trap is that if you call back more than once, it gives the impression you don’t have other options which automatically drops her perception of your value.
What Tynan suggests is rejecting the woman’s number, explaining that you’re sure she’s not serious and there is a high likelihood either the number is incorrect or that she’ll never return your call, and offer to give her yours instead. This is not at all fake or deceptive. If anything, it can be portrayed as putting the ball in her court. But it puts you in a position where you are portraying confidence rather than desperation and you can’t fall into either trap. Though I see the author’s point, if you are honest with yourself and pay attention, you can tell the difference between a woman who is just brushing you off with a (real or fake) phone number, so I don’t think you should always refuse a woman’s number.
A lot of women in the dating marketplace play games, whether it is the phone number scenarios cited above or just disappearing when they go to the rest room. Treating yourself with self-respect means not being the puppy dog that women get to kick around and reject then laughingly tell their friends about this “loser who thought he had a chance.” It means being ready to walk away, being ready to say no, and being ready to reject. Though Tynan, intentionally or not, portrays this as an aspect of “game” it is really nothing more than being unwilling to accept treatment from a woman in the dating market that you wouldn’t accept from a male colleague or classmate and still call them “friend.”
At the same time, Tynan emphasizes not putting women on a pedestal. First off, a lot of very worthwhile women, while they appreciate attentiveness and consideration, don’t want to be on a pedestal (or at least not a very high pedestal) because they know that they are human so that a man who puts them on a pedestal will eventually be disappointed. They want to deal with realistic expectations. Second, putting a woman on a pedestal automatically elevates her to a value greater than your own, which skews each other’s perceptions of each other: you see her as more valuable than she really is, and she sees you as less valuable than you really are or may even regard you as insincere.
Tynan recommends polite teasing as a way of signaling to women that they aren’t on a pedestal. An example would be: “Guess your job? Let’s see … judging just from your look, I’d have to say construction worker.” A line like this has to be delivered with a smile so the woman knows you don’t actually believe it, but it also signals your confidence, self-assurance and your recognition of her human limitations. It’s also a welcome break from being told “You must be a model” — even if she is. Tynan devotes a lot of time to teasing because done right, it is polite and non-harmful whereas done wrong it just makes you look like a jerk.
This should give you a hint about something. The assholes women often date instead of stereotypical nice guys don’t allow themselves to be mistreated and don’t put women on a pedestal. It’s not that women truly prefer assholes in the long run, but that stereotypical nice guys lack the knowledge, skills, self respect and self confidence to manifest these very basic behaviors. Given a choice between an asshole and a nice guy, when the nice guy treats himself with respect and demonstrates realistic expectations? Nice guys do quite well in the dating market.
Tynan also devotes a fair amount of space to approaches (also known as “ice breakers”) and storytelling. Look, “pickup lines” don’t work on women with IQs above room temperature. Even Tynan’s lines don’t really work. It’s really all in the self-confident body language, not being afraid of rejection, and the way those lines are delivered. Even walking up to a woman and saying “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” can get a favorable response if you do it in a way that let’s her know you are aware it is hackneyed. If she starts to smile and you follow-up with “You’re smiling! I knew that book I was reading about picking up girls would work! Unfortunately, my grandma is staying with me so I can’t really pick you up, but would you mind playing along so I can practice?”
With that follow up, you’ve done a number of things. You’ve shown a sense of humor about yourself without putting yourself down (and it is important to not put people down, including yourself), disarmed her apprehension that she is going to be subjected to a high pressure sales tactic so she can relax, and you have set the stage for a story.
Now, maybe your grandmother isn’t really staying with you, but that isn’t the point. Maybe she stayed with you at some point and you can tell a short story about it.
Stories you tell should be short — no longer than a couple of minutes, entertaining, and say something positive about you by way of example without explicit statement of that quality. For example:
Her: Your Grandmother is staying with you? Or are you just living in your grandma’s basement?
You: No, my grandma lives on the other side of town, but she lives alone. Last weekend while I was visiting for Sunday dinner, she tripped on her cat and fell.
Her: Oh no! I know old people can break their hips that way. Is she okay?
You: She’s getting better. When she fell, her hand tipped a pan of hot grease onto her and she was burned pretty badly. In spite of her screaming I got her burned parts under cold water right away. After about fifteen minutes of that I took her to the hospital. She’s staying with me for another week or two so I can take care of her bandages is all.
Through this story, you have told the woman a lot of good things about yourself without saying them directly. You’ve told her that you love your grandmother, have a sense of responsibility, have knowledge of first-aid and can keep your head in an emergency. If you were to simply say: “I have grace under pressure” she would dismiss it as bragging. But instead, you’ve just explained why you can’t take her home for a night of wild sex (even though she hasn’t offered), and explained it in a way that shows your valuable character through deeds. If she responds by saying how proud your grandmother must be, you can downplay it and be seen as modest. (“A great guy who doesn’t even realize how great he is!”)
Storytelling is an art form, and Tynan explains the elements of pacing, technique and composition that will allow you to capture a woman’s attention after the ice breaker. This is a straightforward social skill that a young man would ordinarily learn from his father, but with so many young men not having that avenue for learning, Tynan distills the skill pretty well.
As I mentioned earlier, I like the way this book emphasizes self improvement as an avenue to improve ones odds with women. Let’s be honest: if you are a lard-ass who spends his days swilling soda while playing video games, you’re a loser. No woman wants a loser, even if he’s the nicest guy in the world.
So Tynan’s advice on this is straightforward: make the most of what you have by cleaning up your act. Tweeze your uni-brow, trim up excess body hair, and so forth. He correctly notes that women don’t put as much emphasis on physical attractiveness as men, but that they draw inferences from details of grooming and dressing. Tynan gives some helpful basic tips in this regard.
Tynan is no expert in evolutionary psychology, so sometimes he is right for the wrong reasons. He accurately notes that sometimes guys who weigh 300 pounds have super hot wives, but inaccurately infers from this that women don’t care at all about physique. The 300 pound men in his social circles are rich and famous. If you aren’t rich and famous, women DO care about physique, but they simply care less about it than men do, and they prioritize other factors more highly. If a woman has a choice between two otherwise equal men, and one is clearly in better physical condition than the other, she’d prefer the one in better physical condition.
Improve your physique and physical health with physical activity, and develop a network of friends and worthwhile activities that you share with them in the real world. An hour in front of a video console should be the rare exception in your life, not the rule, and you should be spending more time in the real world with real friends doing real activities than on Facebook with virtual friends.
These are actually very important for your psychological game. If you follow a solid fitness program such as You are Your Own Gym and a solid diet (I recommend Paleo Diet as optimal, but others will work so long as they are lifestyle changes rather than crash diets), unless you started out as morbidly obese, within six months you will have a body far better than most men and most importantly you will have muscles. Though muscles are fourth on the list of what a woman likes, they still add positively to the impression you make. This WILL help your physical confidence, and confidence is sexy. It will also raise your testosterone levels which will result in increased levels of attractant pheromones that you naturally generate finding their way to a woman who interests you. It will also increase the scope of activities that you can do, and that you find worth trying.
Meanwhile, real friends in the real world matter as well. They not only help with your social confidence, but they give you what women call “a life.” No woman wants you to instantly stick to her like glue as though you have nothing else in your life but her. It is profoundly unattractive and downright creepy. It is a clear symptom of being a loser. Real friends also help you network and meet women, plus they give you things to do that do not necessarily include any women you date right away, and that’s important too.
If you have no friends in the real world right now, join a Highpower shooting team (they offer clinics and classes to get you up to speed) or a rock climbing club. Take a look at continuing education courses or adult education courses offered by your local community college and take something you find interesting. You will meet people, and pretty soon you will form friendships with people who share your interests.
I like the fact the author puts some emphasis on actual improvement of yourself. In other words, to attract women, BE a more attractive person. For a woman to want to share your life, build a life for yourself that a woman would want to share. Though he portrays story telling and approaches as the “game” of a pickup artist, in reality these are social skills nearly all men used to get from their fathers and male relations. Though he describes many behaviors, such as being willing to walk away, as “game,” these are really nothing more than a man learning to treat himself with self respect in a world where he has been rewarded for the opposite throughout his schooling.
This is a good book. While it is far from complete and doesn’t go as deeply into behavioral genetics and evolutionary psychology as would be ideal, and sometimes he is right for the wrong reasons, overall this book is solid. It is an easy read filled with useful anecdotes that concentrates more on principles than memorized formulas. It teaches young men how to treat themselves with respect, emphasizes authenticity and self improvement, and teaches the social skills that are necessary for dating in today’s world.
This book also has some downsides. A lot of the examples he gives are not useful for most men, because most men lack the author’s wealth. Most men can’t afford to go buy an RV and travel around the country or engage in the type of “peacocking” that the author recommends. Just by virtue of his wealth alone, he automatically makes clothing choices and so forth that telegraph his wealth and thereby bias a certain percentage of the female population favorably. So there are some areas where this book is not particularly useful. However, he does a good job of extracting the principles from his examples so that his readers can apply those principles in ways that are relevant to their own lives.
Another downside is his inordinate emphasis on tricks like “always end the call before she does” and “never call back right away.” This sort of stuff is inauthentic. A wise man will base his behavior on that of the woman rather than using such rules of thumb. Treating a woman as though she’s a useless toy you could throw away at any time will, in many cases, discourage a woman from becoming closer to you. Treating other people the way you’d want them to treat you, without appearing desperate or needy, is the key. If you already have a life, this will be natural. I am also less than pleased with the aspects of stealing someone else’s girlfriend, but this goes back to the overall problems with pickup artistry as being Machiavellian. Machiavellianism is not a sound basis for a relationship.
So when you read this book, don’t read it from the perspective of sleeping with tons of women being your goal. Instead, learn from the self-improvement sections and learn how to undo the damage created by a lack of male authority figures and our educational system, but apply the criteria of “How would I react to someone who treated my sister this way?” and realize that every woman you encounter is someone’s sister or daughter. If it passes the sister test, it’s okay. If it doesn’t, discard it.